Begin Again
by MyEyesOnly
Summary: Pre-Slash Gibbs/DiNozzo. When Gibbs shows up at Tony's place after killing Dearing, things are bound to change forever.


**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or its character. Just here to play.  
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****A/N: Ahem, this is my first NCIS story ever and I've been rather reluctant to publish it until now... so I guess I'll see if anybody likes this.

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**Begin Again**

Tony couldn't recall the exact night this whole thing had started. It was probably around the time he was still recovering from the plague, but even years later, those days were still blurring together with the horrible aftermath of Kate's death. Sometimes Tony wasn't even able to tell apart the nights he had wished to die because his damn chest had hurt so much and those when it had hurt from the actual heartache of losing Kate. It didn't matter much in hindsight because the pain had been real both times. But still betimes he wished he could remember the night somehow. Even nine years later, he was still feeling the surprise when he had opened his front door and saw his boss standing there, a six pack of beer in one hand and Chinese take-out in the other. Gibbs hadn't said much that night, had just sat down on Tony's couch, had handed out the food and drinks and had then set to watch a movie with him. Back then Tony had had no clue what Gibbs had been doing at his place, whether he had wanted to talk to him or whether he just needed someone to sit there with him in silence. It wasn't until later that the young man had realized that his boss had done it for him.

He had been there to keep him company and to keep him from tearing himself apart over things he had no control over. From then on, the nightly visits became semi-regular whenever Gibbs thought them to be necessary. Tony still wasn't quite sure why he did it or how the older man knew exactly when he needed him to be there. He just did and that was enough. Over the years, those nights never changed. Gibbs would come over, bring food and drinks and they'd sit in silence, watching a movie until either Gibbs decided it was time he went home or Tony finally spoke up what was bothering him. They never talked about why they continued to do this, however. The next morning they were always back to being boss and senior field agent like nothing had ever happened. Sure, they both probably knew that they were more than that and over the years they had become friends, but those nights were still left undiscussed and Tony liked to keep it that way as they were his own personal refuge whenever things had gotten too hard to handle on his own.

He had always been really comfortable with Gibbs' presence on the couch next to him and that fact hadn't changed over the years. But something else had changed, even though Tony hadn't realized it right away. It had started after a gruesome case that had involved a dead kid and as much as cases like that never failed to make Tony sad and angry at the same time, it wasn't something he couldn't handle. He had seen too much already, had worked too many crime scenes to be affected by it too greatly. But Gibbs had shown up nonetheless, looking torn as he slumped down on the couch, not even bothering to shed his coat. Only after a while had Tony realized that maybe this time it had been Gibbs who needed his help. He had tried to talk to him, but the older man had only grunted in response, so Tony had given it up pretty quickly, had put in a DVD and had then spent the rest of the night in silence until Gibbs had stood up and left. The night itself hadn't been different from any of the others, but it had changed their dynamic ever so slightly.

For the next couple of months, Gibbs hadn't shown up at his place again and Tony couldn't help but notice the sudden feeling of loneliness inside of him without even knowing why it was there in the first place. He had wanted to talk to Gibbs, had wanted to confront him about it before he realized that it was probably none of his business. Maybe Gibbs simply didn't want to be his agony aunt anymore or maybe he was too busy getting busy with Dr. Ryan. Tony wasn't particularly comfortable with either idea, but he knew that they were both legit. But deep down, he also knew that it simply couldn't be it. Gibbs had dated before and yet it had not hindered him from showing up at Tony's apartment from time to time. It was probable that he had enough of Tony's endless whining of how he couldn't seem to settle or whatever was plaguing him whenever Gibbs came round. At the sheer thought of that possibility, though, Tony's insides always clenched uncomfortably and it left him even lonelier inside. And there was also the haunted look in Gibbs' eyes that night that refused to leave his memory. He had rarely seen his boss looking so lost. Not when Kate or Jenny had died or when Mike had left him for good. He only ever looked like that when there was something relating to Shannon and Kelly, but Gibbs had never let much on before. So why had he shown up that night at Tony's apartment and never returned again? What was it that made him refuse to visit the younger man? Tony didn't have a clue and it was slowly driving him crazy. The problem was that he couldn't just walk up to Gibbs and ask him because they had never talked about it before and it would be beyond weird doing it now. So Tony remained silent about the topic even though it was gnawing away at his bones almost painfully.

It was the night after Gibbs had killed Dearing that Tony was roused from a rather restless sleep by an incessant knocking on his front door. Quickly slipping into a t-shirt he had discarded earlier that night, he went to let the visitor in. His heart stuttered for a moment when he saw Gibbs standing there just outside his apartment. He was breathing heavily and erratically and judging from his t-shirt that was soaking wet, the man had probably gone for a run and had somehow ended up at Tony's place. He was just about to step aside to let him in and offer him something to drink when Gibbs took a step towards him and he was suddenly standing so close to him that Tony felt his breath ghost over his own cheek. Gibbs was looking utterly exhausted and lost once again and Tony felt his stomach turn as his thoughts directed themselves to the dreadful things Dearing had done to them. Was Dearing the reason Gibbs was there now? Before he could ask, though, Gibbs had moved even closer and had then pulled his arms around Tony, crushing him into a tight hug. Tony stood there frozen for a moment or two, utterly perplexed before he relaxed ever so slightly and tentatively hugged him back.

He had no idea what was up, had no recollection of Gibbs hugging anybody besides Abby, let alone initiate that kind of physical comfort. And yet, he suddenly didn't feel all that lonely anymore, didn't feel like he was alone in this world after all. It was like something had suddenly locked into place inside of him. Whatever it was he had been searching for, it apparently seemed to lie in Gibbs's arms. Tony tensed at the thought, suddenly hyperaware of the fact that he could feel Gibbs's heartbeat through the fabric of both of their shirts, could feel the older man's breath on his neck and could feel the arms around him tighten even more now. What was this all about? Why would his boss show up in the middle of the night and hug him?

As if sensing Tony's sudden discomfort, Gibbs let go of him, but didn't step away. Instead, he looked him straight into the eyes and Tony was once again able to see the haunted look in them and it nearly made him step back into the embrace. He held himself back, though, knowing that things were weird enough as they were. So he just kept on standing there, looking right back at the older man, waiting for any kind of explanation. It never came, though. Gibbs just continued watch him for a while before he finally stepped over the threshold and then flopped down on the couch, looking as exhausted as Tony had never seen him before.

"You okay?" Tony finally managed to find his voice.

Gibbs looked at him before he shrugged and then started to fidget with the cushions of the couch. Tony stared at him a little while longer, knowing that there was something huge going on, but couldn't bring himself to ask. Gibbs wasn't exactly known to be the most communicative man on earth, so he just decided to let the topic – whatever that was – drop until the man would start talking. He went into the kitchen, got two bottles of beer out of the fridge and then dropped down next to the older man. They sat in silence for a while before Gibbs cleared his throat, causing Tony's heart to skip a beat due to the fact that his boss might actually speak up now.

"Wanna watch a movie?" Gibbs just asked, however, and Tony, despite himself, relaxed again.

"Don't have to ask. 007 sound good?"

"Whatever," the older man replied indifferently, took a sip from the beer and relaxed back into the cushions.

Tony hurried to get the movie going and then, halfway into it, felt himself relax completely at the other man's side. He didn't know whether it was due to the other man's unexpected presence or due to the fact that he was tired like hell, but it hardly even mattered. He had missed Gibbs over the last couple of months, had missed their movie nights or whatever those were and he had missed the silent and stoic man next to him. It didn't matter that Gibbs had been acting weird tonight because Tony was simply glad to have him there again and if the older man really wanted to talk, he would start eventually.

Groaning, Tony blinked himself awake a couple of hours later. His neck was hurting and he needed a moment to realize that he had fallen asleep watching the movie. It took him another couple of moments to notice that his head was resting on Gibbs's shoulder. He jerked away from him, then looked at the older man and with a sinking heart realized that he was staring right back at him, the haunted look still in his eyes, but there was also a small smile uncharacteristically playing on his lips.

"Sorry," Tony finally mumbled and moved away from the man ever so slightly.

"What for?"

"Abusing you as a pillow?"

"Could have woken you up," Gibbs just shrugged, still looking at him intently, causing Tony to fidget.

What in the world was up with his boss? There had to be something going on with him because this simply wasn't like Gibbs. All of that wasn't like him.

"What's going on?" Tony finally braved the figurative lion as Gibbs's stare got too intense.

He had expected him to brush it off, but for some reason the older man just shrugged in answer.

_Huh._

"Why did you stop coming here?" Tony asked after a little while, unable to think of a more intelligent question.

Gibbs shifted ever so slightly at the question, his eyes resting on something right above Tony's head now.

"Don't know," he finally answered so hesitantly and so out of character that Tony felt his heart pick up pace. "Guess I didn't realize before."

"Realize what?"

"That I was fooling myself."

Tony stared at him and then finally got the eye contact he was looking for. The icy blue eyes locked into his own and for once, Tony had no clue what Gibbs wanted to tell him. He was just so un-Gibbs this morning that the younger man had no idea what to do or say.

"About what?"

"That I haven't done it just for you."

"Done what, Gibbs?" Tony asked unable to hide his frustration all of a sudden. "You got to help me out here because I have no clue what you're talking about."

"The evenings I came here whenever things got tough, DiNozzo," Gibbs answered reluctantly. "I haven't done it just to cheer you up. I just didn't realize it before that case with the dead girl."

"Realize what?" Tony probed. "That it wasn't only me that needed the cheering-up?"

He felt Gibbs stiffen up next to him and he knew that he had hit the nail right on the head. Truth was, Tony hadn't realized it before either, but what did it matter? It didn't explain why the other man had stopped coming over in any case.

"It doesn't explain why you refused to come here, though."

"It does," Gibbs answered slowly, his eyes still piercing him. "I wasn't prepared to… need someone like this. I didn't realize that I needed those nights, needed _you_."

Tony gaped at him for a moment or two, very aware that he was probably having a prime deer-in-the-headlights moment. Was this really Gibbs sitting next to him and not some pod person impersonating him? Because the Gibbs he knew wouldn't talk like that, wouldn't admit any kind of weakness like that.

"Why did you come over last night, then?" Tony finally stammered out after a while.

"Needed to make sure," Gibbs shrugged, rubbing a hand over his face. "That everything was alright again and that everything will go back to normal."

"Okay?"

"No," Gibbs carried on, apparently embarrassed of what he was about to say. "I just… I was going crazy not knowing whether or not you'd make it out of that damn elevator alive. And when you did I acted like nothing had happened. We just went back to business, chasing Dearing. I should have made sure that you knew I cared."

"I knew, Gibbs," Tony said softly, suddenly aching to touch the guy for reasons unknown. "I knew."

"It's not enough," Gibbs countered vehemently. "I should've told you. I just couldn't admit it. I'm not used to rely on somebody like that. Haven't since… Shannon. Scared the crap out of me."

"You don't have to tell me that, Gibbs," Tony all but whispered now, suddenly hypnotized by the blue eyes that seemed to be brighter than usual.

"Yeah, I do. You asked me why I came over last night. Reason is I simply wanted to. Needed to see you, too. I know you were mad at me for going after Dearing alone. But I just couldn't risk losing you to that bastard. It's been too close this time. And now that he's dead, it's like… I don't know. There just… wasn't anything left, you know. So I came here."

Tony stared at him for a long while, trying to figure out what exactly Gibbs wanted to tell him. He had known that the man had always been horrible at putting his feelings into words, but he had somehow managed this time. It suddenly registered that he should have realized all of it a long time ago. He knew that he, himself, depended on Gibbs and even though the older man had told him that it was also true the other way around a year previously, this now was completely different. They weren't talking about work anymore, they were talking about something much more personal. If Gibbs really relied on him that much, why had Tony always felt like he was abusing him as a sounding board before?

"I know what you're thinking," Gibbs finally started talking again. "That I could've told you ages ago. But like I said, I simply didn't realize it. Should've probably. I always wanted to be there for you and somewhere along the line… things turned around, I guess."

"It's okay," Tony finally came out of his state of shock. "I guess I kind of knew all along."

Gibbs just nodded and then leaned against the backrest of Tony's couch. They stayed silent for a long time, both of them hanging in thoughts. Tony's heart was still beating erratically and he had no idea why that was. Granted, it wasn't like they usually talked about their… feelings like that, but it had gone pretty well. Things were out in the open and he felt a weird sense of pride, knowing that Gibbs needed Tony just as much as he needed him. He was still feeling rather queasy and restless, though, but he tried to refuse acknowledging the thought that there was still something left unsaid between them.

"When you said it wasn't like that since Shannon," Tony couldn't stop himself from asking, internally kicking himself for not being able to store away the goddamn thought for good. "What were you saying… really?"

Gibbs turned to stare at him again, his eyes brighter than ever before, before he reluctantly answered.

"Probably shouldn't have said that," he said. "Didn't want things to get weird. It's… since I freaked out about the needing these nights with you all those months ago I did a lot of thinking. I couldn't understand why it wasn't any different to what I had with Shannon. And then I realized that it didn't matter. I'm just tired of pretending that I don't need this, need someone to talk about stuff, need you. I know that things between us will never be like between Shannon and me because of, well… obvious reasons, but I'm okay with that."

"What if things were like that?" Tony blurted out before he could stop himself.

He watched Gibbs' eyes grow impossibly wide and felt his own heart beat furiously in his chest before he realized what he had just said. What the hell? Had he just asked if he couldn't have some kind of relationship? With Gibbs? And why wasn't he freaking out about it?

"Tony?" he heard Gibbs ask as if from far away and he looked up into those blue eyes again that had suddenly lost the haunted look in them.

"What if you could have it again?" he once again blurted out, knowing that he had to get it out as fast as possible before his mind could stop him. "With me?"

"Tony… you're not… gay," Gibbs finally answered rather lamely, once again starting to fidget.

"So what? Neither are you as far as I know," Tony retorted, feeling the same thing from the night before locking into place again. "Does it matter, though? I mean… We, uh, care about each other, right? And we already established that we need each other. Wouldn't the other stuff just be the logical consequence of it?"

"Stuff like that's never logical, DiNozzo," said Gibbs, his eyes darting all over the place.

"No, sometimes it is. In fact, I've never been surer of anything in my life. I have no idea what I'm proposing here or anything, but just before… I… when I realized what I'd just said, I knew that I should freak out about it, but you know what? I didn't. I still don't because it just… feels right, you know?"

"Yeah," Gibbs replied, finally looking into his eyes again. "Are you serious about this?"

"As a heart attack," answered Tony. "I have no clue why I haven't realized it before. I mean, shouldn't we have seen it like years ago? It just seems so obvious now."

"It kind of does," Gibbs concurred before he continued with a before unheard awkwardness. "So… uh… what now?"

"You know what? I've got no clue," Tony answered, feeling a smile spread on his face. "But I guess we'll figure it out?"

"I hope so," said Gibbs, then he reached out his hand, which Tony, after a very short moment of hesitation, took into his own.

He squeezed it gently before he looked into the blue eyes again, suddenly feeling impossibly happy.

"We will," he assured the other man. "We will."


End file.
